An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

*******

After suffering with headaches for years Joe decided he had to do something so he went to his doctor. After a thorough exam the doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press against your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he would have anything to live for but of course he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the surgery when he left the hospital he noticed that he no longer had a headache for the first time in twenty years and although he felt great he also felt as though, somehow a part of him was missing and lost forever.

However, as he walked down the street he realized that he felt like a completely different person, like a cloud had been taken from over his head. Joe realized that he could make a new beginning and live a new life. As he walked by a clothing store he thought to himself, “That's what I need... a new suit.”

Joe entered the shop and told the salesman, “I need a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let's see... size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That's right, how did you know?” “Been in the business sixty years!” the tailor replied proudly.

Joe tried on the suit and it fitted him beautifully. As he admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a few new shirts?” Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure, why not.” The tailor eyed Joe briefly and said, “Let's see, 34 inch sleeves and 16 ½ inch neck.” Joe replied, “Yeh, how did you know that?” “Been in the business sixty years.” said the tailor as he walked over and collected a number of shirts of the correct size.

Joe tried on the shirts and they fitted him perfectly. As he walked around the shop admiring his new look and feeling much better about his circumstance the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a moment as he looked at the new man in the mirror in front of him and replied confidently, “Sure why not.”

The tailor looked at him again and said, “Let's see... size 36.” Joe laughed briefly and said. Ah ha! I got you on that one, I've worn a size 34 ever since I was eighteen years old.”

The tailor shook his head, “You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

 

********

 

A bloke is in the queue at Sainsbury when he notices that the saucy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a fine looking girl would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from.

He says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife,

"Christ!" he says "are you the stripper on my stag night that I nobbed on the pool table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my bum?"

"No" she said, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

 

********

 

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exam results in Swindon , Wiltshire. They are genuine responses (from 16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section.'
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

*******

*******

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons.'

'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.

*******

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

******

An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure that nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to him about the problems they were having with their memories. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked him, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you please get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumed into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said; "I knew it. You forgot my toast."

******

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!

Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

*******

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... Full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... Kiss me, Hardy."

*****

There is an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

The Englishman says "Did you know, my son was born on St Georges Day ?", "So we called him George !"

"That's spooky" says the Scotsman, "my son was born on St Andrews Day", "So we called him Andrew"

"Bloody hell, that's amazing" said the Irishman my son "Pancake" will never believe that!

*****

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink. A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH"

******

******

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer is time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, My brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in The water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the Preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in? ...................

*****

*****

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just lay down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

*******

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with Rocks, Rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of Pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The Pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of Sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the Sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The Rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The Pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The Sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the Sand into the jar first, there is no room for the Pebbles or the Rocks.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the garbage disposal. Take care of the Rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just Sand."
But then...a student then took the jar, which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of Beer. Of course the Beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:- No matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER!

******

Questions that keep me awake at nights.....

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

Do you cry under water?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder…

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on…

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? (it only seeeeems like it ! ?)

*****

Have you ever wondered why....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

******

An intrepid explorer has spent many days crossing the Sahara Desert without water. His companion has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Inland Revenue identity badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Good morning," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this", said the explorer. "I'm not going to trust an Inland Revenue genie."

The genie smiles and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transport, you are lost without food or water and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The explorer thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

He says, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

POOF!

The explorer finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.  And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.


The genie said, "OK, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF!

The explorer finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

The genie said, "OK, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the explorer says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF!

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

******

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in Southampton, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.  The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian V.D.  It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "What's the treatment, Doctor, and can I get it on the National Health? "

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure.  We're Going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian V.D. Velly rare disease!"

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Inglish Docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate! In 2 weeks it will take care of itself"

"Oh, thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry!  Just wait two weeks.

Two weeks later the man's penis fell off on it's own!!

******

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on. She was driving along in the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. She said to the farmer "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"


"OK" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "Alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?"


******


An Irish woman of advanced age, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it.  Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".

"Really? What happened"? asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"


"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided was not good"? 

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!  'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again".

*****

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

*****

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."


*****

Deep Thought for the Day

Is there another word for synonym?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*****

Why A Divorce?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

*****

A man goes into a pub and seats himself on a stool.

The landlord looks at him and says, "What'll it be mate?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskies, and make them doubles."

The landlord does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, he asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The landlord hastily asks, "What do you have mate?"

The man quickly replies, "I only have fifty seven pence."

*****

A man walked into a pub on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the barman asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn’t like it!"

So the barman said, "Well would you like a cigarette," but the man said "No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn’t like it!"

The barman asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said "No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn’t like it."

"As a matter of fact I wouldn’t be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son!"

The barman said, "Your only son I presume!!"

*****

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"


*****


Two Iraqi women are walking down the street.  One says to the other one, "Does my bomb look big in this?"


(Joke submitted by Fifi Wilson - 24th May 2005)

*****


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class.  I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

*****

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, and then studies the box.
He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger." "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosties back in the box.

*****

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."  The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

*****

Secret to Happiness for Men

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is very important that these three women never meet.

*****

After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's.  They found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem.  Some women reported that the mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands.  Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.  Various field tests have been carried out on the new design, here are some of the testimonials:
 
Julie from Hawthorn: "It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be".
 
Susan from Kew added: "I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle".
  
Hillary from South Yarra: "I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!!" 

Scroll down…


mouse picture


*****


An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied
.


******


A plane is on its way to Glasgow when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies; " I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Glasgow and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies; "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Glasgow and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde!"

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Glasgow".


*****


A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the barmaid: "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?' A deathly silence transcends the bar.

In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The barmaid is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200lb blonde with a black belt in Karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man pauses to think, and says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."


*****

 

Difference Between Men and Women

 1. A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

*****

Marriage Quotes By Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

*

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

*

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

*

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!'

'What happened?' asked the friend.

'My wife found out..'

*

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. 

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

*

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

*

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

*

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

*

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

*

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

*

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

*****

A ex MG-Rover worker went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's licence to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have got disability allowance too."

******

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman wakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of tea.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 15?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have got out today!"

*****

An airline pilot was working with a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stopover in another city. Upon their arrival, the pilot showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's flight, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!

******

A man went into a Chemist’s shop and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the chemist’s and there were no men employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection.  I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The woman said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership of the shop and £5000 in cash.

*****

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are too small. ''Does this blouse make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this blouse make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a piece of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.  It will take a while but gradually they will get bigger''

''Are you sure it will work?'' she asks.

''It certainly worked for your ass, didn't it?"

*****

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from London to Belfast. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me £5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me £5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a £5.00 note and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references but can not find the answer. So he links into his mobile phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of the British Museum but sill can find no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and colleagues, to no avail. As they are about to land, he wakes the blonde, and hands her £500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer £5.00, and says "I don’t know either!”

 And you thought blondes were dumb.

*****

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your natural hair colour?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

*****

A man comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger making love to his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "See, I told you he was stupid."

*****

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

*****

The Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will show you your rooms.'


So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.

'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and several pretty women.


'God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?'

 'Well, we have dozens of Popes here but you are our first lawyer.'

*****

An Irish businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her handbag and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

*****

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?"
"You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

*****


A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

*****

 
In a   hospital's  Intensive  Care Unit,  patients  always   died  in the same bed,  on  Sunday   morning,  at about 11:00a.m., regardless of their condition.  This puzzled the doctors and  some even thought it had something to do with the  supernatural.  No one  could  solve the  mystery  as  to why the  deaths occurred  around  11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was  assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors  and  nurses  nervously  waited   outside  the  ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden  crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.


Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson,  the  part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a  Bad  Day????


The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was   $80,000.00.  At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.


A minute later,  in   full  view,  a  killer  whale  ate  them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she  whacked him with a handy plank of  wood, breaking his arm  in two places.  Up to that moment, he had  been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on  a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

  ******

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.. "


******

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,

“Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said,
“Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only”

*****

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"

He looks at her and says angrily; "Fix the light, now? Does it look like I have an electricians logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."

“Fine”, she says, "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?" they're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps", he says. "Does it look like I have Woodies D.I.Y. written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!! "

So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. as he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey", he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.just then a nice man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He told me he had some free time as he'd just been made redundant from MG-Rover and offered to do all the repairs.  All I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo.......Do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead?

I don't think so!

*****

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A. They're married.

*****

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.

*****



Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

A. Put the remote control between his toes

*****

Four Animals a Woman Wants ............

A mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all.

*****

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

 

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

 

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

*****

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the couch watching tv.

*****

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

*****

On a wall in a ladies room . . .

"My husband follows me everywhere"

Written just below it . . . " I do not"

*****


Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

*****

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer.

*****

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A. The bonds mature.

*****

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

*****

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A. We don't know; it has never happened.

*****

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.

*****

Man says to God:

"God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says,
"why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."

*****

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.